You fly to different destinations for holidays and book different restaurants for anniversaries, so why not be just as adventurous with your sex life? BDSM is a great way introduce even more playfulness and excitement into the bedroom.
What is BDSM?
BDSM includes a range of pleasurable activities that generally don’t lead to gratification outside of a sexual context. The acronym BDSM stands for three different phrases: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. If you’ve never heard of these terms before, it can be quite confusing. So, let's delve right into it!
Bondage
This is where one partner is psychically restrained by being tied up to another object or having their limbs restricted in movement by a product such as a rope.
Scenario: You cuff you partner down to the bed and start off with a sensual lotion massage to ease them into the restraints. When things begin to heat up, pull out the massager you've kept hidden and explore what parts of their body respond best to its touch.
Discipline
This involves one partner enforcing obedience onto another partner. This may involve setting rules for your partner and punishing them if they disobey.
Scenario: You could agree that your partner cannot masturbate while you're at work. If they do, then they choose between 10 spanks with the paddle or hanging the laundry outside while gagged.
Read our Safe Kink Play Tips and Advice article for further advice on spanking.
Dominance
An attitude or role, this is where one person has power and control over the other person who has consented.
Scenario: You can blindfold your partner so they become vulnerable and dependent on you for sexual pleasure and movement. Feed them delicious treats such as chocolate coat strawberries for a naughty but pleasant surprise.
Submission
This is the opposite of dominance. Here, the participant surrenders most or all power and control.
Scenario: The submissive (sub for short), may be tasked with the humiliating chore of cleaning sex toys while having a prostate simulator inside them. When completed, they will present the toys for inspection to their dominator.
Sadism
This is the act of deriving sexual pleasure from inflicting pain or humiliation on someone.
Scenario: You ask your partner to wear vibrating panties but keep the remote. When they least suspect it, activate the vibrations in the middle of your romantic restaurant dinner date. If you are feeling especially cruel, do so while they are ordering a dish, and enjoy watching them try to remain composed in front of the waiter.
Masochism
This is the opposite of sadism where a person gets sexual pleasure from receiving pain or humilation.
Scenario: Your partner lays out dog bowls with different flavoured lubes in each one. With a collar and leash secured around your neck, you will be forced to try each one on your hands and knees. Every incorrect guess means a whip with the training crop.
Vanilla
If someone enjoys ‘vanilla’ sex, they don’t enjoy kinky sex.
Play
Any sort of BDSM or kinky activity
Aftercare
Physical and emotional care participants provide to each other after a play session. It’s also important for BDSM beginners to understand that all activities must be 100% consensual. To inflict pain, power or control over someone, you must have their permission first, i.e. all activities must be safe, sane and consensual (SSC).
What do I need to know before I engage in BDSM?
If you are thinking of becoming a BDSM beginner, there are a few things you should do first before engaging in any sort of activity.
A great place to start is by thinking about what areas of BDSM you may be interested in. The BDSM Test is an easy way to find out what kinky areas might suit you.
The next important thing is finding a partner who is willing to engage in BDSM activities with you. For example, if you think you are a sadist, it’s probably best to find someone that is a masochist so that you can both get pleasure from your sexual experience together.
Once you have found someone, it’s important to plan out your session. Each person should write a list of do’s and don’ts, i.e. things that they want to try and things that they don’t want to try. Watch Sexologist Dr Lindsey Doe explain how you can create your own list:
This is important because it sets boundaries and limitations for your play to ensure that both parties enjoy the session. It’s also crucial to have a safe word. This is a word that is agreed upon before hand and when it is used, it indicates that the person is not enjoying themselves anymore and that activity must stop immediately. All BDSM activities that happen must be consensual and safe so if your partner uses a safe word you must respect their wishes and stop the session.
Before you engage in play it’s also important to agree on what type of aftercare will be provided. BDSM sessions can be physically and emotionally draining, therefore aftercare is important to prevent any psychological or physical harm. Aftercare can include cuddling, dressing any wounds and discussing each participants’ feelings towards the session that just occurred.
Where can I find people who want to engage in BDSM with me?
There are loads of places to find people with the same kinks as you! If you’re in a relationship, the first thing to do is ask your partner. They may have some bdsm fantasies they would like to try out or maybe they are happy to try something new.
If you’re single, don’t worry because there are heaps of places to find a partner. A quick google search for BDSM in your area might reveal some legal businesses that specialise in all kinds of kinks. Employing a professional partner can be a great way to discover what you like in a safe and contained environment.
If you are keen to meet new people in your area, joining Facebook groups like BDSM Australia or websites like Fetlife can be a good place to start. It’s also a great way to find out about local munches, i.e. meetings of people interested in BDSM over food and drink.
BDSM is a fantastic way to explore your different kinks. If you’re a beginner and have never engaged in BDSM before, remember to explore what you like and don’t like, plan out your session and take time for aftercare. When BDSM is safe and consensual it can be a lot of fun.
Check out Club X's BDSM collection for even more toys to play with.
