Sexual desires and behaviours behind closed doors can be as varied as any other area of life. Many people have particular tastes and wants that they are shy about or feel uncomfortable about raising with their sexual partners. A reason for this has to do with the vulnerability of the sexual experience, and an unknown surrounding a partner’s reaction to something that might seem out of the ordinary.

One common area surrounds people’s desires to be submissive or dominant during sex. That doesn’t mean a preference to be on top or underneath — it is about much more than that. It is about feelings of surrender, release, control, and the internal conflict associated with these situations. Perhaps most importantly, it’s about the feelings of safety and trust.

Here are a few points about the acts of dominance and submission that might help you to better understand your desires and how to safely play them out with your partner.

Dominance and submission is not just about sex

Although usually surrounding sexual experiences, the dominance and submission roles can be as simple as the dominant ordering the submissive to perform non-sexual favours, like a long foot massage, or performance based activities. These things can deliver great pleasure, and although they often lead to sexual activities, the pleasure associated with non-sexual dominance and submissive behaviours doesn’t automatically suggest that the sex itself will follow in the same fashion, where one party is to play one role or the other.

It’s ok to switch between roles

Of the heterosexual couples that partake in these types of activities, research has shown that on average, both parties have a preference to be in the submissive role. Of the females, 89 per cent prefer to be the submissive, and therefore prefer a dominant male. On the other side of the coin, 71 per cent of males also prefer to play the submissive role, and therefore prefer a dominant female in those situations. If you’re fortunate enough to be partnered with someone that has a preference for the opposite role, then this is a match made in heaven. If not, both parties will need to be prepared to play both roles equally. Perhaps it’s time to draw up a roster. 

Consent and non-consensual consent

To keep things safe, there must be a mutual understanding between partners so that ground rules are established and not breached. The positive feelings associated with this kind of sexual behaviour can be very rewarding but it cannot be stressed enough that trust and safety are critical factors. It’s not uncommon for a contract to be drawn up between parties, commonly referred to as a Dungeon Negotiation Form, where it is established what each party consents to and what they do not consent to. There are also many couples who exercise Non-Consensual Consent situations, where they agree that consent has been waived, within particular safe, and in many respects, sane limits or boundaries. These scenarios should only be explored in relationships where trust is very strong, and it is also advisable that opt-out words be employed, giving either party the opportunity to end the behaviour at any point if they feel uncomfortable. Trust treads a very thin line. It’s fun to play close to it, but it’s a line that must never be crossed.  

Here are some toys available at Club X that you might like to try to help enhance your Dominance and Submission play.

If you missed our last Sexpert Opinion article, we focused on some options to help ladies elevate their alone time. Read all about our advice on targeting three distinct areas of pleasure here.

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