Labour Day long weekend rolls in around 5th October, and most of us are already planning a sleep in, a barbecue, or a lazy day trip. I want you to think about a different kind of labour this time round. The kind you put into the person you share a bed with. Because here's what nobody warns you about at the wedding: falling in love takes no effort at all. Staying best mates with that same person for the next twenty, thirty, fifty years, that is the real work.
Most people do not know this: a national Monmouth University poll found 83% of people in a relationship consider their partner their best friend, a massive jump from an academic study back in the 1990s that put the figure closer to 44%. We are pairing up with our best mates more than ever. The problem is, Australia's own relationship data shows plenty of us are letting that friendship slide once the honeymoon period wears off.
Relationships Australia's most recent national survey found 64% of us rate our relationship as friendly, the single highest scoring trait in the whole report. Sounds promising, until you look at where things are heading. Between 2022 and 2024, the number of couples who said they have fun together dropped from 77% to 70%, open communication about problems fell from 86% to 70%, and the number who admitted they simply do not spend enough time together nearly doubled, from 15% to 30%. Arguments crept up too, from 24% to 37%.
I see this constantly in the clinic. Couples come in convinced their sex life is dying, and once we start talking, the sex was never really the problem. They stopped being friends first, and everything else followed from there.
The Science Behind Why Your Best Mate Makes the Best Lover
Relationship researchers have spent decades watching real couples argue in labs, and the findings keep coming back to the same point. The quality of a couple's friendship decides how conflict actually plays out between them. Partners who stay genuinely interested in the small, boring, everyday details of their partner's life have far fewer relationship-ending blow ups. Partners who were willing to accept influence from each other, actually letting the other's opinion change their mind, were far more likely to be in a stable, happy marriage years down the track.
Translation: the sexy stuff sits on top of a much less sexy foundation. Do you actually like this person? Are you interested in their day? Do you laugh at the same stupid things? That is what keeps the whole house standing when life gets hard.
So Why Does It Feel Like You Are Just Housemates?
Easy answer. Life gets in the way. Kids, shift work, mortgages and an endless group chat all eat into the hours you used to spend actually talking to each other. Nearly a third of Australians now say they are not getting enough time with their partner, and that number is climbing fast.
Here is the bit that usually gets a wince in my clinic room: low desire is rarely a hardware problem. Most of the time it is a friendship problem wearing a libido costume. You cannot run on autopilot through years of parallel living, same couch, different phones, and then expect your body to feel like getting frisky on demand. If stress is doing most of the damage in your house, I break it down in my post on Stress and Sex Drive: Understanding the Connection.
Your Body Cannot Tell the Difference Between a Cuddle and Foreplay
Your body does not file holding hands on the couch and foreplay into completely separate folders. Both trigger a release of oxytocin, the hormone behind bonding and trust, and research into touch and intimacy shows that higher oxytocin lowers cortisol, your main stress hormone, and builds exactly the kind of emotional safety a good sex life is built on.
A hand on the back while you're cooking, a hug that lasts more than two seconds, none of that is just friendship. It is foreplay for your nervous system. This is exactly why I tell my patients to visit ClubX and grab a decent massage oil rather than skipping straight to the main event. Ten unhurried minutes of non-sexual touch does more for most couples' connection than another rushed moment squeezed in before Netflix.
Ways to Actually Rebuild the Friendship
None of this needs a grand gesture. Small and consistent beats big and rare, every time.
- Get curious again: Ask your partner one question this week you genuinely do not know the answer to. Not how was your day, something real, an old memory, a current worry, a dream they have not mentioned in years.
- Touch without an agenda: A shoulder rub, a hand on the back, a hug that lasts past the two second mark. No destination required.
- Try something a bit different together: Novelty fires up dopamine in a way routine never does. A blindfold for a slow, sense-heavy night in, or a couples vibrator that takes the performance pressure off both of you, works because you are trying something as a team.
- Put the phones in another room: Even twenty minutes of full attention beats two hours of half watching a show side by side.
- Laugh on purpose: Rewatch the thing that makes you both cackle, or bring back an old in-joke. Remind each other why you liked each other before you loved each other.
The Bottom Line
Falling for someone is the easy part. Your brain does most of the work with a healthy dose of dopamine and zero conscious effort. Staying friends with that same person for decades, that is a genuine labour of love, and it pays off exactly where you would want it to, in the bedroom as much as anywhere else.
So this long weekend, do not just sleep in and call it romance. Pick one thing from that list and actually do it properly, phone in another room included. Ask the real question. Give the ten minute massage. Try the blindfold. Pop into ClubX beforehand if you need the right gear, then go be best mates again.
